Rough Week…

…and it has been rough, let me tell you. I got a lot done, though, but if you look at the SPAM emails I received in the last 24 hours, you’d think I haven’t done enough.

To wit:

“Tracey Teague” thinks I am in search of a university diploma. I am not, thank you very much. I have more of a college education that she’ll ever have — and probably more than most people. Try me on this one…

“Monty Shaffer” says I can increase my… erm… you-know-what size by 3″ by using his patented technique. You really sure I’m that self-conscious about how big I am down there? In a day and age where people use plastic surgery, pills, and just about anything else to enhance their looks, you might think I might be interested. But I’m afraid not, pally: I’m fine just as I am, no more, no less. In fact, I’m probably better endowed than you are.

That’s not saying much, I know, as I’m not all that big (it’s pretty dinky, if you ask me — with the emphasis on “pretty”), but when you get into the territory that these guys are talking about, there’s only one way a guy goes, and I don’t go that route: uh uh, sorry Jack. Even a less-experienced woman knows that it ain’t the size of the gun, it’s the motion of the ocean. The only people who care about the size of that body part are guys that are… well… “a wee bit lavender,” (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) if you know what I mean…

“Euro Software” thinks I can speak German… ‘fraid not, pal, sorry.

“Stuart Page” wants to sell me a watch. Well, maybe not a real watch, but a “repl1ca w4tch.” I guess it’s a real replica of a replica watch. Something. I really don’t know, but I really don’t care, either; I no longer wear a watch: I can’t, as it prevents me from reaching all of the keys on my computer keyboard, which is essential to any Web-based job…

So, now, “Stuart” didn’t get the gist of my non-reply, so “Howie” thought he’d try as well. Sorry, still not biting…

Now here’s something I can really use: “Sylvester Walden” wants to sell me Viagra for US$1.41/pill, or Cialis for US$2.22/pill. Hmmm… that’s only slightly more expensive than my insurance company can get me those same pills, and I can get that prescription from my doctor with a simple phone call and have that prescription filled within an hour — let’s face it: at my “advanced” age, we’ve discussed it. I’m OK so far, so I think I’ll pass… for now…

“Hazel Dernovsek” wants to sell me bling. Not just any bling, mind you, but “fantastic bling of all sorts.” God knows I haven’t enough bling, so I gotta buy more, right? It’s really too bad I’m not into bling of any sort, let alone fantastic bling…

“Lori Hunter” just wants to say ‘Hi!’ I wonder what she wants… maybe I could take my accounts offline and open the email just to take a peek. It’s probably a call to another Web site that is going to either fill my screen with porn, or try to reset my Internet Explorer settings so that all I can ever see is their porn site.

It’s really too bad I use a Mac, isn’t it? Assholes.

Now “Lavern Guy” wants to sell me “waterproof replica watches,” as if I still hadn’t quite made up my mind. Hate to tell him (maybe it’s a “her”?) what I didn’t tell the other guy…

And then there are those idiots that send email in foreign languages, using Cyrillic or Asian typefaces. Sorry, but I am at a loss with this one. I’m an American. My family has been in this country for almost 400 years. REPEAT: 400 YEARS. English is my primary language, even though I have a German last name.

I sport the “Standard Midwestern American English Accent” so treasured by US broadcasters that in college I was trained in public speaking without my consent (I have a good speaking voice, so they made it an educational requirement by decree — they could do those things back in the 70s), so that I might have a future as a broadcaster one day. Little did they (or I) know at the time… ;-)

But, I digress.

So why send me a sales message in a language I can neither understand nor comprehend, let alone read? Cheap broadcast is one thing, but Common Sense is another.

But… wait a minute… we’re talking about spammers here… Common Sense is certainly NOT one of a spammer’s essential core qualities…

Silly me.

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