collisionbend.com

You may have seen this in the news the last couple of days: a Los Angeles Department of Transportation traffic officer is suing Victoria’s Secret for selling defective women’s underwear. She claims that a defective metal piece flew off the thong and hit her in the eye, damaging her cornea.

Ummmm… besides this being an obviously trivial lawsuit, I have a few issues with the whole thing:

First of all, NBC actually showed the offending lingerie during an interview with the plaintiff. When I saw the panties themselves, I realized that the metal trim piece would locate itself somewhere around half-way between her spine and the curve of her waist, at least some 70 degrees — and almost 2 feet — away from her eye.

So if it snapped when she was wearing it, she would have had to be standing behind herself: the clip, since the tension would be forcing it away from her body almost perpendicular to her body, would shoot out, not up. No way that thing clips her eye.

Else, she was turning around looking at her behind in the mirror (making sure it didn’t look fat), and it flew upward. However, it would not fly upward with anywhere near the force required to damage her cornea, considering the aforementioned stress on the garment.

Bouncing off the mirror doesn’t work, either: it would lose approximately half of its velocity in the carom.

The only other method I could see this happening is in the act of donning the garment. Where’s the stretch to snap it — until it gets around your butt?

The only way that decorative trim could fly that far that fast would be if the garment was stretched to its limit — meaning that it would have been about 3 sizes too small for her — which would not be in accordance with the “used in the manner intended” ascribed in the lawsuit. Either that, or she got her foot caught in it and stretched the hell out of it — which would not be using the product “in the manner [it was] intended” to be used.

Lastly — and this is the damning evidence to me — when something flies toward your eyes, a human’s first reaction is to — what? blink? close your peepers? actually lower the lids over your eyes so something like this won’t happen? I’m sorry, she couldn’t have missed that — even my eyes aren’t that bad!

Obviously, I think she is going after money. The same with her attorney. I saw the interview on NBC this morning, and they lacked specifics, they wouldn’t release the thong for VS’s examination, and were a bit cagey — in my opinion.

So this brings me to another set of points: what is a Los Angeles traffic officer doing wearing a thong in the first place? To remove a panty line from her work trousers? Is she trying to stop traffic or cause an accident? Come on!

And at 52 (I’m not going to ridicule her for wearing a thong at age 52 — that would be plain wrong), you would think she would know better than to expose herself with such a flimsy lawsuit.

And speaking of flimsy: have you seen the companion bra for the thong? Nipple holes?

I wonder if she purchased both pieces on clearance.

Tags: cornea, lawsuit, nipple holes, thong, victoria's secret

…and it has been rough, let me tell you. I got a lot done, though, but if you look at the SPAM emails I received in the last 24 hours, you’d think I haven’t done enough.

To wit:

“Tracey Teague” thinks I am in search of a university diploma. I am not, thank you very much. I have more of a college education that she’ll ever have — and probably more than most people. Try me on this one…

“Monty Shaffer” says I can increase my… erm… you-know-what size by 3″ by using his patented technique. You really sure I’m that self-conscious about how big I am down there? In a day and age where people use plastic surgery, pills, and just about anything else to enhance their looks, you might think I might be interested. But I’m afraid not, pally: I’m fine just as I am, no more, no less. In fact, I’m probably better endowed than you are.

That’s not saying much, I know, as I’m not all that big (it’s pretty dinky, if you ask me — with the emphasis on “pretty”), but when you get into the territory that these guys are talking about, there’s only one way a guy goes, and I don’t go that route: uh uh, sorry Jack. Even a less-experienced woman knows that it ain’t the size of the gun, it’s the motion of the ocean. The only people who care about the size of that body part are guys that are… well… “a wee bit lavender,” (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) if you know what I mean…

“Euro Software” thinks I can speak German… ‘fraid not, pal, sorry.

“Stuart Page” wants to sell me a watch. Well, maybe not a real watch, but a “repl1ca w4tch.” I guess it’s a real replica of a replica watch. Something. I really don’t know, but I really don’t care, either; I no longer wear a watch: I can’t, as it prevents me from reaching all of the keys on my computer keyboard, which is essential to any Web-based job…

So, now, “Stuart” didn’t get the gist of my non-reply, so “Howie” thought he’d try as well. Sorry, still not biting…

Now here’s something I can really use: “Sylvester Walden” wants to sell me Viagra for US$1.41/pill, or Cialis for US$2.22/pill. Hmmm… that’s only slightly more expensive than my insurance company can get me those same pills, and I can get that prescription from my doctor with a simple phone call and have that prescription filled within an hour — let’s face it: at my “advanced” age, we’ve discussed it. I’m OK so far, so I think I’ll pass… for now…

“Hazel Dernovsek” wants to sell me bling. Not just any bling, mind you, but “fantastic bling of all sorts.” God knows I haven’t enough bling, so I gotta buy more, right? It’s really too bad I’m not into bling of any sort, let alone fantastic bling…

“Lori Hunter” just wants to say ‘Hi!’ I wonder what she wants… maybe I could take my accounts offline and open the email just to take a peek. It’s probably a call to another Web site that is going to either fill my screen with porn, or try to reset my Internet Explorer settings so that all I can ever see is their porn site.

It’s really too bad I use a Mac, isn’t it? Assholes.

Now “Lavern Guy” wants to sell me “waterproof replica watches,” as if I still hadn’t quite made up my mind. Hate to tell him (maybe it’s a “her”?) what I didn’t tell the other guy…

And then there are those idiots that send email in foreign languages, using Cyrillic or Asian typefaces. Sorry, but I am at a loss with this one. I’m an American. My family has been in this country for almost 400 years. REPEAT: 400 YEARS. English is my primary language, even though I have a German last name.

I sport the “Standard Midwestern American English Accent” so treasured by US broadcasters that in college I was trained in public speaking without my consent (I have a good speaking voice, so they made it an educational requirement by decree — they could do those things back in the 70s), so that I might have a future as a broadcaster one day. Little did they (or I) know at the time… ;-)

But, I digress.

So why send me a sales message in a language I can neither understand nor comprehend, let alone read? Cheap broadcast is one thing, but Common Sense is another.

But… wait a minute… we’re talking about spammers here… Common Sense is certainly NOT one of a spammer’s essential core qualities…

Silly me.

By now, I can assume that you have been able to dig yourselves out of the snow and actually get around our fair city.

For some of us, that process took longer than others.

I got home Friday night around 7:30, and it was just in time: I took my lunch leftovers and the daily mail inside, dropped it on the kitchen counter, then slid into the bathroom to do something… well, if you can imagine that it took me almost 90 minutes to drive home, you can imagine what I had to do in there.

Afterward, I went outside to have a cigarette, and I saw the first of what was to become a long list of cars to get stuck in front of my home over the weekend. I lost count around 18 or 20, most of which were 4-wheel drive trucks with snow plows, or Jeeps, but there were a couple of cars and minivans — and one of the latter got stuck right at the end of my driveway sometime late Saturday morning.

By that time, we had at least 16 inches of snow in the street, and it was still coming down — hard. (When all was said and done, we ended up with 28 - 30 inches of snow in the street, drifting to 4 or 5 feet in some places just off-road.)

The lady who owned the minivan abandoned her vehicle with the intent of returning to get it out. She tried later, only to get her Jeep stuck before she arrived at her minivan.

What really got to me was what happened Sunday morning: a city snow plow, trying to get around Ms. Had-no-business-being-out-in-the-worst-snowstorm-in-Cleveland-history’s minivan, got stuck in the very same place many other vehicles found them selves in the hours earlier.

I woke up just in time to take these videos (I apologize for the sharpness — I woke up just seconds before, grabbed the camera, and began shooting; the fuzziness is the window screen):

Turn the volume up and you can hear my bride and I talking about what a good job these guys were (and have been) doing — and they have.

I mean, let’s face it: the heavy snow wasn’t hardly their fault. Nor was the fact that their jobs were made infinitely more difficult by the bozos who felt that they were such good drivers, and their cars were so great in the snow, that they could get through anything.

For that, the proof is in the pudding, as they say:

In this second video, you can hear me say, “oh, please hit that minivan — please hit that minivan!” I was saying this because the person that left their minivan there had absolutely no business being on the road on Saturday — for whatever reason. And their lack of consideration for themselves or others resulted in many more individuals getting stuck in the same place — and to preventing the plows from cleaning our street when all of the others in the neighborhood had been cleared at least twice.

We were stuck in our house until 5:00 p.m. Sunday, unable to go for groceries or other goods when others had been out for hours — thanks to this person’s stupidity.

I took the video because you never see snow plows getting stuck — or pulled out of such a situation; I posted the videos because people need to see what a lack of thought and consideration can do to inconvenience others (and I’m not just talking about me).

Next time they say to stay off the roads unless it’s an absolute emergency — stay off the roads.

UPDATE — My video has been picked up by The News-Herald.

“Stormageddon” strikes the city mid-day. We had plenty of warning, so why was there 5 inches of snow on the Eastbound Shoreway at rush hour?

Seriously. The National Weather Service issued advisories, watches, and warnings for the last three days. We knew it was coming.

Jeff Tanchak on Channel 19 hasn’t worn a jacket for a week now, and his sleeves have been rolled up so long his arms are frostbitten. We knew it was coming.

They can track these storms and predict right down to the hour when they will enter our area — so we knew we would get it mid-day today.

The highways in our area tonight were a total mess at 6:00 p.m., some 8 hours after the storm started. It took me 90 minutes to get home tonight, from Independence to Euclid, white knuckle all the way. Go figure.

Not too long ago, we had another mid-day storm that we knew for two days was coming mid-day, and evening rush hour traffic was again a mess — snow crews hadn’t gone out to plow during the day; they waited until rush hour was over to go salt and clear snow, and by then the highways were a total mess.

Why do they wait? Why don’t they get out there at a proper time and treat the roads so that they don’t accumulate so much snow and cause so many problems? Are they in cahoots with the body shops or something?

(It’s not the guys on the line, in my opinion. I think it’s just a simple case of poor management.)

Oh, by the way, the answer to the question is an ODOT truck. Or, if you’re a Hitchhiker fan, they sleep 42.

And… punt.

From this morning’s Plain Dealer Monday Moaning (the fourth paragraph after the ad dead-center in the article). Euclid Police, please take note:

“My moan is about idiotic drivers who do not know how to use a ‘left-turn-only’ lane. They either sit in the through lane holding up traffic, or they angle the front end of their car into the turn-lane leaving the rest of the car in the through lane still blocking traffic. If you’re too stupid to drive it, then park it.” — Euclid

I would have taken my neighbor’s argument a bit further (no, I didn’t call this in, but wish I had; it was a fellow Euclidian): I think these people should lose their drivers’ licenses.

Seriously. They congest traffic, cause accidents, and angrify other drivers — as if we didn’t have enough “road rage.” To make matters worse, they don’t care.

It’s part of what I’ve said before: we’re becoming more rude and inconsiderate of others every day.

Now, there’s one intersection in Euclid where I can predict with absolute certainty that this will happen: Westbound Lake Shore Boulevard at East 260th Street. No one — absolutely no one — who enters the left turn lane, preparing to turn Southbound on E. 260th, ever lines up in the turning lane properly.

And if they somehow do, by some shadow of luck, pull fully into the left turn lane, I guarantee you that they will fade severely to the right — well into the next lane of traffic — before actually making the turn.

Along the north side of Lake Shore Boulevard at the intersection are three driveways, four telephone poles and a fire hydrant. Someday, someone is quite unexpectantly going to forcibly meet one of those poles, the hydrant, or a car in one of those driveways after being forced over to the right by some idiot who can’t drive.

And someone — perhaps a pedestrian on the sidewalk a mere two feet from the street — will get hurt.

It’s one of the most dangerous intersections in Cuyahoga County, even if it hasn’t been identified as such by any planning commission or traffic survey. It scares the crap out of me every time I drive through it — in either direction — sometimes four times a day, sometimes many more.

Euclid Police should pay closer attention to this intersection — before someone dies.

OK, here’s the scene: we’re coming home from dinner at Applebee’s in Mayfield. We have an iPod (not mine) hooked up to the USB port connected to the car stereo, and the car is equipped with Microsoft Sync. This is exactly how this conversation went down, word-for-word, verbatim:

• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• “Play artist Duran Duran.”
• Car: “Playing artist Carrie Underwood.”
• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• (More clearly and deliberately) “Play artist Dur-RAN.”
• Car: “Playing artist Barry Manilow.”
• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• “Play artist Go f*** yourself!”
• Car: “Playing artist the Arkies” (the Archies)
• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• “Play artist Billy Joel.”
• Car: “Playing artist Billy Joel.”

Interestingly enough, the Billy Joel tune the car decided to play was “Innocent Man.”

Needless to say, I’m reprogramming my bride’s iPod.

~~~~~~~~~~

Now, this is the conversation I imagine having if we had connected my iPod:

• Car: Ding! “USB: Please say a command.”
• “Play artist Eric Clapton.”
• Car: “Playing artist Eric Clapton.”
• Car: “NOW you’re talking! Clapton is GOD!”

~~~~~~~~~~

And while I’m on the topic of Applebee’s: I was always raised to take my hat off when I entered a public building — it was something that a gentleman always did, as a matter of politeness, good manners, and common courtesy.

Tonight, I watched at least 5 grown men, sitting at tables, dining, wearing hats. One even wore a hoodie over his baseball cap, as if he was trying not to be seen, drinking a bottle of beer (not a glass).

Where have our manners gone?

~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, one of them who was not handicapped in the least — nor was anyone in his party — had parked his brand-spanking-new Cadillac Esaclade in the handicapped spot right out front. They all jumped into the car — not one struggled. Not one looked the least bit guilty about it, either.

Yes, he had a placard hanging from the mirror, but I’m wondering: how much did he pay for it?

It happened again tonight. Some idiot wearing at least a bottle and a half of cologne simply *had* to stand in my immediate vicinity (shoulder-to-shoulder). I wanted to puke — I almost did.

I couldn’t breathe.

Seriously: my chest started tightening up, painfully, almost cramping; my breathing became labored and short; my stomach turned inside-out; I got real dizzy real fast; I almost passed out.

And I came seriously close to vomiting.

Next time (and this is fair warning to you guys who think that cologne is “cool”), I will puke — all over the guy wearing the cologne. It serves them right: be offensive to people who are allergic to the stuff and get your clothes ruined. And why not? The Old Testament says: “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,” right?

Make me sick, cost me my dinner, ruin my night, and I’ll ruin your outfit — regardless of how much it cost.

Now, to make this legal and legit:

Be it hereby publicly known: People (men or women): if you wear an excessive amount of perfume or cologne in my presence (whether you know me or not, or are aware of this statement or not), please be advised that I am allergic to your potions, and they make me gravely ill. Should I become gravely ill in your presence, and end up regurgitating on you and your clothes, I AM NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY AND ALL LOSSES INCURRED BY YOUR STUPIDITY. I will try to give fair warning, but this will not always be possible. If, all of a sudden, I puke on you, and you are wearing cologne, hey: you made me sick, OK, pal? You made me sick — you pay for it.

I didn’t choose this.

You make me sick — you clean up the mess, OK?

Now I will repeat:

The Rule of Thumb for perfume and/or cologne:
wear only enough that your girlfriend (or boyfriend) can smell it only when they hug you.

‘Nuff said.

(Watch for the first “puke post” — coming soon to a theater near you!)

So…

How come Cleveland drivers with large vehicles (SUVs, large pickups, etc.) drive like brazen idiots on a mad charge like lemmings to a cliff? During rush hour? Don’t you know that you’re making things worse with all of your lane changing and swerving? You actually make things go slower?

Naw, I didn’t think so…

How come Cleveland sports writers (and journalists as well!) always think that doom is just around the corner for our sports teams? Let’s face it: the Indians just had a banner year — they made it to the American League Championship Series and went to 7 games, then Boston swept everyone else — and they are built for a long-lasting run at the coveted World Series Championship.

Let’s face facts, folks: the Indians will return — again, and again, and again. I predict that they will become a hated team in the Major Leagues in the next few years because they’re going to beat a lot of great teams and win it all a few times over — and soon. Your cynicism is not only dour, it’s unfriendly and, ultimately, offensive, not to mention overly-pessimistic.

Grow up.

The Browns? Well, they’re showing some life; time will tell: lay off them for now, OK?

The Cavs? Well, they might not do as well as last year this year — but they may not, either — you can’t paint the picture properly after two games.

The Buckeyes? Hmmmm… Interesting… You’re asking a die-hard OSU alum here, so I may not be totally objective… but I think they are having an interesting year: when you consider that Jim Tressel always seems to get the best out of the kids he has, I think they have a good shot at the whole enchilada this year — albeit in a year when the NCAA is totally topsy-turvy.

But a National Championship is just that: a National Championship. I’m not going to complain. So, if they win it, shut up, OK?

And how come the Big Ten Network just now pulled out of talks with Time-Warner? It took them how many months to realize that TW won’t budge from their money-for-nothing philosophy?

Kudos to the Big Ten Network for sticking it to Time-Warner, even though it thoroughly screws OSU alumni that have Time-Warner Cable, like me: take it to them, Big Ten! I’ll sacrifice a few games — maybe even a year or two — for Time-Warner to get the point.

Seriously, Time-Warner has very little to go on, except its desire to screw its customers; let’s remember one thing: Time-Warner has the absolute worst customer service record in the history of cable TV, bar none.

But: what do you want for a government-supported monopoly?

So now an Ohio legislator has gotten into the act and is drawing up legislation to make them go back to the bargaining table and hash out an agreement.

Get real: Time-Warner has a monopoly, which is supposedly illegal in this country — so why do we have to put up with this crap? Time-Warner is trying to push their weight around because they are the leading TV provider in numerous Ohio counties — just like Microsoft has done over the years in numerous markets.

Sorry, Time-Warner is dead wrong. (And all my bill has done lately has gone UP, not down, as they want to say, regardless of their latest price drop — which they did only to encourage people to side with them in the Big Ten/Time-Warner argument.)

Time-Warner can go to Hell, for all I care, the money-grubbing assholes. Find me at Panini’s in Willoughby tomorrow for the game… at least I’ll see it in Hi-Definition…

And how come Giant Eagle has raised prices on WeightWatchers food when WeightWatchers hasn’t raised its wholesale prices (I know this because I’m a WeightWatchers employee, and I get the price lists!)? Why did this happen right after they had to succumb to customers’ wishes when they mistakenly tried to discontinue the double-coupon discounts? Seriously, WeightWatchers food is now unaffordable.

Call that revenge against healthy eating.

Screw you, Giant Eagle: I’ll buy it elsewhere, thank you. That’s called “choice in the marketplace.”

You know… getting me going on this stuff distracts me… I have so many more questions… I must be getting old… or something… hehe…

So, about 3 months ago my bride and I cut the cord: we dropped our AT&T land line and DSL hookup and went with RoadRunner and our cell phones.

That move will save us $600 for the first year alone. Not bad.

It’s not like we really need the land line, anyway: we usually call each other on the cell phones anyway, as we’re never calling from home.

So far, so good.

When we disconnected from AT&T, we had an overpayment of about $11; AT&T said they’d send a check.

They sent us a bill instead.

See, somehow, after four years of local service (no long distance — it was free from our cell phone provider), it turns out that they weren’t satisfied and added long distance to our phone bill — something we never requested or needed.

So I called them just now, as the letter seemed to indicate that they were going to send me to collection for six lousy bucks.

Why not pay it? Why should I? I never asked for the service — in fact, I explicitly declined it when offered. This is a issue of principle.

So after the third agent (all of whom spoke in a thick, incomprehensible Indian accent), they tell me that they have to call up the information from the archives (April 2007 is already archived), and this operation takes about 4 hours.

That’s one slow computer.

So before this guy can give me a confirmation number, he has to ask me a series of questions (my actual answers are in parenthesis, the questions are italicized):
Have we resolved your issue to your satisfaction?
(Uh, no… you haven’t even started)
If not, how can we resolve this issue to your satisfaction?
(Uh… erase the bill, admit that I was slammed and refund my money!)
How would you rate our service?
(Something I’d like to call Mark Dann about)
I see that you don’t have AT&T long distance service — would you like to sign up for it?
(Absolutely not.)
I see that you no longer have home phone service — would you like to sign up for it?
(No, because I just shut it off to save money. I explained that to you in the start of the phone call…)
Why not?
(We use our cell phones, thank you.)
I see… so is your cellular phone service from AT&T?
(No.)
Why not?
(Because AT&T cannot provide the services we need or want at the price we want it at)
Would you like to change it over to AT&T?
(No)
Why not?
(I just told you: AT&T cannot provide the services we need or want at the price we want it at — get it? Beyond that, we have a contract with our provider that has an early termination fee)
With several new advancements in technology, we can now provide you with better cellular phone service — would you like to sign up for it now?
(No!)
OK, sir, now I can see that you’re (unintelligible)… here is your confirmation number…

This is the new AT&T, folks: just like AOL, they just can’t say goodbye.

I need some Advil…

So I try to log on to a training web site, one required for a commitment I have.

Mind you, I’m on an Intel-based MacBook Pro, OS X 10.4.9 — totally updated — and using both Safari 2 and Firefox 2.0.0.4 (remember Firefox? The next-generation Mozilla? Which, at one time, was Netscape?).

(Keep in mind that Internet Explorer 5.2.3/Mac does not work on an Intel-based Mac.)

Here’s the response:

Sweet, huh? Just what you always wanted to see, right? Bet you thought this kind of stuff was a thing of the past, didn’t you?

Is that what’s getting you down — eh, bunky?

Well, I have a bad tooth (or a sinus infection — I’ll know later), I’m in pain, and I don’t want to see this shit (sorry).

Here’s my response to the “help” desk:

I’m using an Intel-based Macintosh (MacBook Pro), OS X 10.4.9 (updated to latest), cable Internet access (no AOL). Firefox 2.0.0.4 & Safari 2.0 — the latest available for both. (IE 5.2.3 for Mac does not work on an Intel-based Mac.)

Site tells me that my browser is not supported, then goes on to list IE 5.5+/Win, Netscape 7+/Win, and AOL 9.0/Win as alternatives. Identical result in both Firefox and Safari. Here’s your code (for some odd reason, I could not copy-paste your results page):

<td>
<h2> Invalid Browser. </h2>
<font size=-1 face=verdana></font>
You are not using a valid browser to run this application.<br>

It requires one of the following browsers:
<li> Internet Explorer 5.5 SP2 or higher
<li> Netscape Navigator 7.0 or higher
<li> AOL 9.0 or higher
<br><br>

If you are using an older version of AOL please minimize it by clicking <img src='repository/vlsapp/common/images/minimize.gif' width='16' height='14' alt='' border='0'/> in the top right corner.  Do not close your AOL connection.   Then open one of the above browsers and type in appropriate URL into the Address field.
<h2> Thank you. </h2>
<br><br>
Mozilla/5.0 (Macintosh; U; Intel Mac OS X; en-US; rv:1.8.1.4) Gecko/20070515 Firefox/2.0.0.4
</td>

I beg to differ: both Firefox 2.0.0.4 and Safari 2 are *more* than competent to run your application.

Of course, after seeing non-compliant HTML 3.2, table-based layout, spacer gifs, non-breaking spaces, break tags, unclosed elements, a horribly weak browser sniff, and your extensive, two-part CSS (followed by font tags!) placed *before* your document header, I can understand why you require bad browsers: you’re still living in 1994.

Instead of me “updating” my browser (or downgrading my computer), why don’t you update your code?

Sincerely,

(Me.)

Too strong? No.

Too strong to go to an employer (job #2)? Probably, and I don’t really care, either: if my job is to help people, and their job is to facilitate that, then they haven’t done their job, and that prevents me from doing mine.

The full page code is hideous at best. It’s everything I say it is in my response, and more. It’s really bad.

This is not about making pretty things: this is about making tools that work for people. This is not about looking good: it’s about helping people do their jobs. This is not about making life easy for me: it’s about making access for everyone.

I am not about to downgrade my computer, making it potentially vulnerable in the process, just so I can access a site that some lazy-assed jerk who thinks he’s a computer programmer can take money from unsuspecting, good-hearted people.

That’s unconscionable.